Not the Easy Way!
April is Caesarean Awareness Month. Both of my girls were delivered by C-section. With my first baby, I spent the entire pregnancy telling my doctor that I did NOT want a c-section. The thought of it scared me to death. I had never had a surgery and certainly didn’t want to start now.
Delivery time came and she was in the right position for childbirth. I was 23 years old and in great health. Labor started and lasted twenty-nine hours. I began pushing, continued pushing…pushed with everything in me for three hours! At that point, my baby’s heartrate started to drop. My physician (and family friend) made the decision that we were going in for a c-section NOW. He had given me every opportunity to deliver, because he knew how desperately I did not want the caesarean. Ultimately, he had to make this call for the well being of my girl. My beautiful little one was delivered safely and perfectly.
My body was traumatized. I felt like I had given birth both vaginally, and via an abdominal incision. Riding home from the hospital was the most painful ride I’ve ever had. Although we were traveling at a snail’s pace, I felt every single bump in the road. Once home, I couldn’t lift my baby. My mom stayed with me for the first week and would place her in my arms (including the night feedings every two hours). I couldn’t get in the floor with her for tummy time. Thank God for the Boppy pillow, as it protected my delicate incision site, while holding her. I couldn’t wear pants with a zipper for weeks. I had to be cautious with standing at the sink, that I didn’t rub against the vanity. I couldn’t reach to shave my own legs, tie my shoes and the simple task of sitting down to use the restroom was something that I dreaded with everything in me. No driving or lifting for six weeks, so when I did have to venture out for doctor appointments, my mom had to take us and carry the baby carrier.
Five years later, when I became pregnant with my second, I immediately decided I would not even attempt a natural birth. I had tried so hard to deliver my first, without success. I had always been smaller at the waist and bigger at the hips…you know, “child birthin’ hips”. Come to find out, the widest part of my hip, what we call the hip bone, had nothing to do with my inability to deliver. I was too structurally narrow for her little head to pass through and no amount of pushing would have changed that. It would be the same story once again, so I wasn’t even going to try. I had another beautiful little girl, delivered safely and perfectly, by c-section.
I wasn’t awake to see that magical moment when they took their first cry. I felt like a failure, that my body wasn’t able to do what a mommy should be able to do. I would hear women talk about their easy labors, (two pushes and it was out) and I would just feel bitterness that I had tried so hard…and failed. My girls are 21 and 15 and to this day, when someone close to me has a baby, I still ask was she able to “have” it? A sense of jealousy overtakes me, for a moment, if the answer is yes.
So I ask you, to never say to a new mom, that just had a c-section, “oh, you had it the easy way”. I can assure you there was NOTHING easy about it. In my case, along with the physical scar, I still carry the emotional scar, from not being able to do something that so many do.
I hope this blog post has enlightened you somewhat to caesarean sections. Feel free to comment your personal experiences. If you have questions, you can email me at maradachaffins@gmail.com
Let me conclude, I would go thru a million c-sections, all over again, to get my beautiful baby girls. (yes, they are 21 and 15, but they are STILL my babies!).
Blessed beyond measure,
Marada
New mom, with Callie
New mom of two, big sis Callie and baby Campbell
Where we are now…and yes, we had to include Sophie! :)