Single Parenting Series: Dating

The question is often asked of me, should kids meet who their parent is dating? It’s a question that I’m not sure I have a clear answer to. I can give a definite “no” when it comes to children being introduced to casual dates. However, at what point is it appropriate, I’m not so sure.

As a primary custodial parent, let me just say how difficult it can be to date. Typically, children spend two weekends a month with the noncustodial (beginning on a Friday evening and ending on a Sunday evening). Those Fridays, pick up time for us was usually between 6 and 7. By that time, you are too tired to clean up and go out. Sunday evening return time was usually about 5. There’s not much to do on a Sunday and be back home by that time. In all actuality, the custodial parent has two days a month, that their schedule is cleared…that is unless, there’s a ballgame, a speech tournament or a family gathering. So the 26 days off/year has now turned into something around 20 days. My personal dilemma was I had two days a month to date, whereas my ex-husband had 28 days. It was an uneven equation that I’m sure so many other families of divorce face. I wondered why he couldn’t do his dating in those 28 days and spend his two weekends just with his girls. On the other hand, I felt like I couldn’t even have someone over for a movie, without my girls seeing them.

Several moms that I interviewed, said their kids stayed with them, even on most weekends that they were supposed to be with their dad (especially true with girl moms). “Mom guilt” prevented them from even considering a babysitter for any sort of “me” time, especially dating. On this note, I’m going to venture slightly off subject and say this…make time for yourself a priority! You will be a better parent, partner, employee…whatever your role is…if you make yourself a priority! (More on this in another post.)

A few moms suggested that the number of dates isn’t a good indication of when to introduce children, but the level of commitment is a better litmus test. Perhaps? From my experience, men can have a sixth sense and play whatever cards they feel will benefit them most. Do they need to play the role of handyman…check! How ‘bout “the protector”…check! And specific to this point, the “I love kids and going to ballgames and having family cookouts and movie nights”…check, check, check! EARLY into my single mom days, my cousin warned me of those, that she referred to as “sweetheart swindlers”. She was right. In other words, they can con you with their level of “commitment”.

To summarize my views on dating as a single parent…do it, but do it very cautiously. As I’ve always told my daughters, there are no Prince Charmings. We all have flaws. Keep your eyes wide open. Recognize what flaws “the someone” has, and if those are ones you are willing to accept. If not, then an automatic “NO”, don’t introduce them to your kids! Be upfront that you and your children are a package deal. If that isn’t acceptable, move on! Finally, with my gals being 21 and 15, I have decided that if/when I date, I will do so unknowingly to them. We have our well established life together. We enjoy our all girl time. They are older and do things without me, which gives me a bit more freedom to do some things too.

If you know anyone who is divorced or going thru a divorce, please share this blog with them. As always, you can send any questions to maradachaffins@gmail.com

Until next time,

Marada